*Note: See my soundtrack and click on Avril Lavigne's My Happy Ending while reading this! That song pretty much sums up what I have to say about this... So here it is for all the world to know because we have finally gotten to that point: Charlie and I are getting a divorce! We have fought to stay together for a year and it just isn't happening. There is too much between us, we want different things. I wish that I could change things. I wish I could pound some sense into him and make him see things my way, but he has made his choice and done things to solidify the decision. I have had my difficult times accepting this, one minute I am angry, the next I am crying, the next I am melancholy. Right now I am ok. I have an amazing support group of family and friends and I love you all for helping me through this and putting up with the violent mood swings!
I have often wondered why God was so insistent that I stay for this year. If He knew what Charlie was going to do with his agency then why didn't He just tell me to leave last September? Why the strong impression to stay? Well, I have now realized that I needed this year. I needed the therapy, the time to heal and learn to see Charlie with the slightest degree of Christlike love. I needed time to forgive. I needed to be able to do everything I could do to save my marriage so that I can look my sweet innocent little boy in the eyes and tell him I tried.
I am trying with the smallest steps to get my life moving forward again. There are still a lot of unknowns. But, there are many things that I am sure of. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that if I continue to live my life according to His will that things will work out for me. I have faith that there is someone out there, someone who knows how special I am who will do all they can to be with me and our children for eternity!
One of the small steps to move forward was taken last night when I cleaned my wedding ring and put it away for good. That was a difficult moment. I love my ring! It is so beautiful! I thought about all the memories connected to it. I remember Charlie slipping it onto my finger in the sealing room of the Mt. Timpanogos temple after we were sealed for time and all eternity. I thought I would never take it off, and now I am left wondering what I do with it. Seems like such a shame to have it hidden away in a little black box. I think that Avril says it best when she sings:
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be.
You were everything, everything that I wanted.
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending.
8 comments:
Krista, my heart just ached for you when I heard the news. I hope you know how much I love you and that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please let me know if you ever need anything-anything at all!
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I know it's hard to hear but everything does happen for a reason. I know that there is someone out there just waiting for you that will love and appreciate you- you're an absolute sweetheart and a wonderful mother- not to mention an all around incredible person! I hope and pray for your happiness!
I sorry it has been so tough. I'm glad to read in that post that you are feeling Heavenly Fathers love for you now. I also know if you keep living the gospel you will change this not so happy ending to a "Happily Ever After."
i will get you added to the sfhs site. I am sorry to here your knews, I know another girl, also married in the temple, giong through a divorce with three little kids...my heart aches for you both.
Just wanted to say I LOVE YOU! you are the bestest friend ever. you will get through this. And you know I will be there step by step with you.
Even though I knew this step was coming...it still makes me cry for you! To this day, I still remember VIVIDLY the day I took off my ring. I had worn it for a year also while we tried to keep our marriage afloat. Even after we separated, I still wore it because I wasn't sure what I wanted. Only when I finally took it off, cleaned it and put it away did I realize that I had made the decision to "give up" or perhaps give IN to the reality that I had done all I could, and it wasn't enough.
You are an amazingly strong person. I think sometimes I come across a little calloused about my divorce because it is easier to be angry and point the finger at him than to actually look back and remember how much it truly HURT...how much I loved him.
But you know from my personal experience that even stories like these have happy endings. Hang in there....I love you tons!!
(Keep the ring for Kai -- it will always mean something to him.)
Krista I am so sorry that I haven't read this sooner. I wish you would have called me. I am always here for you even though we are miles apart. I love you, you know that. If there is anything you need please call me. I will gladly do what I can to help you. You're one of the best things to happen in my life and I know that God has great things in store for you and little Kai : )
Wow, Krista, I know we haven't had any contact all these years, and yet, my heart breaks for you. You have a beautiful little boy! I know it must be hard what you are going through, I can only imagine, but I know you are a strong person. Hold on to that faith you will pull through! I will pray for your peace and happiness. Sending you all my love and wishing you all the best! Kim Blunck
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